Hoggle's face
by Toasty Goodness
Summary: Silly and gross, yes. But hey! Rick and Vyvyan in the Labyrinth! Complete and utter nonsense guaranteed. Chapter 5 is a tad cheesy though.  Ew.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: God help me, I was bored. Leave me with a computer, an unhealthy obsession with David Bowie & British Comedy and tons of spare time and this is the result. But hey, It's (hopefully) bound to be better than a story I read a while ago about two dogs in love which seemed like it had been written by an illiterate horse *shudder*. **

**Beware of sex references and language. **

Rick was in bed. It was 2 in the morning, everyone was bound to be asleep, except Neil, who thought that sleeping gave you cancer- but who cared about that dirty hippy anyway?

He slowly made his way downstairs to the living room. Once he was siting quite comfortably on the sofa, he pulled out his copy of _Labyrinth_ and a box of tissues out from under the piece of furniture. Oh yes, this was going to be quite a treat indeed.

Rick inserted the movie into the video cassette player. As soon as the opening credits were rolling and the shitty CGI owl was visible, he got to work.

Jennifer Connelly's pretty face filled up the screen. Rick pulled down his pants and got funkayy with himself. 10 minutes –and many tissues- later, he heard a thump.

Not just any thump though, the distinctive thump of a drunken, violent punk hitting the floor just behind him.

_Oh god.._ Rick thought. He pulled up his pants quickly, paused his video and jumped off the sofa.

"VYVYAN" He shouted "WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU SHOULD BE IN BED!"

Vyvyan groggily stood up with a bewildered expression on his face. He looked around him.

"I was just at the pub with a couple of friends…" Vyvyan said rather calmly.

"Fwriends? You have fwriends? Oh come on Vyvyan, just because you haven't heard the word before!" Rick taunted, smiling at his little joke. He was sure to tell Mike about this in the morning.

Vyvyan picked up a chair from the kitchen and looked as though he was about to slam it above Rick's head, but he caught sight of the used tissues and the video that was playing which had been paused on Hoggle's face.

"Blimey!" Vyvyan laughed. "I knew you were a little poof, but I didn't know you were into _that_ type!" He indicated to the television screen.

Rick turned away from Vyvyan and glanced towards the television, which indeed, was paused upon Hoggle's face.

"Oh really, Vyvyan." Rick said calmly. "You can be so pathetic sometimes. I wasn't watching it for Hoggle, I was watching it for… Err, I mean… It's one of my favourite movies."

"With Hoggle to wank to, I can see why" Vyvyan smirked.

"SHUT UP VYVYAN, I HATE YOU!"

"I HATE YOU TOO, YOU BLOODY VIRGIN!"

"I'M NOT A VIRGIN!"

"SORRY, MY MISTAKE. A VIRGIN POOF!"

A puzzled Neil came down the stairs "Hey guys, I don't want to interrupt or anything. But I think things are getting pretty heavy down here…"

"OH PISS OFF, NEIL" Vyvyan and Rick shouted in unison.

"Umm… okay guys, if that's what you want…" Neil said before climbing back up the stairs and mumbling something about suicide.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND GO TO SLEEP, VYVYAN?"

"And leave you down here knowing what horrible things you'll be doing towards the face of a wrinkly goblin? That's disgusting!"

Rick, being on the verge of tears, felt that he had only one option left. "I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD TAKE YOU AWAY WIGHT NOW!" He waited, hoping that Vyvyan would magically disappear. But unfortunately, he stayed in the same spot. And to Rick's humiliation, laughed hysterically.

"'_I wish the goblins would take you away wight now!'" _He taunted, "Heh, you really do love that film!"

"I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU!" Rick shouted whilst tears ran down his cheeks.

Suddenly, everything was dark. Rick felt as if his insides where being churned and pulled in all sorts of unpleasant shapes.

He woke up on top of a grassy hill. He saw a certain unwanted individual lying right beside him.

"Vyvyan, are you awake?"

"No."

"Honestly, you can be so immature sometimes."

Vyvyan stood up and looked at his surroundings.

"Hey, Rick, I think you're going to be able to wank a bit more with Hoggle."

"Jesus Christ! I admit it, I was wanking… But not to Hoggle! It was to Jen- hang on. What do you mean?"

"Just look over there!" Vyvyan pointed towards a large maze, and in the middle, a castle.

"Fuck."


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks for the review, it made me feel all fuzzy inside :3. (Hopefully, this one will make you happy)**

"Bu- but it was only a movie… It wasn't real!" Rick cried.

Vyvyan only shrugged and started banging his head upon a nearby tree.

"What are you doing?"

"Rick, you're such an idiotic poof. This is obviously just an effect of the Babycham I had tonight."

"Oh." Rick pondered on this for a second. "Then what am I doing here then?"

"You're not real"

"I AM, YOU BASTARD!"

"He's right, you know. You're both real, and this isn't just the effects of heavy alcohol use, Vyvyan." Said a nasally voice coming from behind them.

The duo span around to see the mighty Ziggy Stardust standing before them in all his glory with numerous prostitutes begging at his pale knees.

"Err… Aren't you meant to have a mullet?" Started Rick.

Ziggy swept his flame red hair with his left hand (which, I might add, was styled in the famous Ziggy mullet)

"No, no… The mullets that Marilyn Manson groupies would probably have." Said Rick.

"I'm afraid that persona is reserved for Jennifer Connelly. Anyway, I must be off, lots of things to do. You know the drill; babies to steal, young girls to seduce, time to fuck up."

"Wait just a fucking minute!" Vyvyan said rather rudely.

Ziggy gave him a look as if he would squish him under his stilettos.

"Why is Rick here? I never sent him away!"

"I believe you did." Ziggy clicked his fingers and at once, they were transported 10 minutes earlier and Rick once again felt the horrible sensation in his insides.

_Rick, being on the verge of tears, felt that he had only one option left. "I WISH THE GOBLINS WOULD TAKE YOU AWAY WIGHT NOW!" He waited, hoping that Vyvyan would magically disappear. But unfortunately, he stayed in the same spot. And to Rick's humiliation, laughed hysterically._

"'_I wish the goblins would take you away wight now!'" He taunted, "Heh, you really do love that film!"_

With another click of his fingers, Ziggy, Vyvyan and Rick were transported back to the present.

"Ah. But if we both sent each other here, then what's the point of going through the maze and fighting goblin armies if there's nothing in the middle of the Labyrinth for us to save?" Vyvyan asked in a rather articulate manner, giving Rick a shock.

Ziggy shrugged. "I don't know. I didn't make up this shit. Look, I should really be going. Miss Connelly is just about due to meet Hoggle." He said rather carelessly whilst checking his watch.

"Umm, excuse me. Mr. Bowie?" Rick began

"I was wondering if you could say that line."

Ziggy gave a heavy sigh.

"_You have 13 hours in which to solve the Labyrinth, or your baby brother becomes one of us forever."_

And another click, he and his prostitutes were gone.

Rick looked at the enormous Labyrinth just at the bottom of the hill. It didn't seem to have any openings or gates. _"What a sadistic bastard"_ he thought.

"So, ah, Vyvyan. Are we going to go down and do this?" Rick asked to his roommate, who was, once again, banging his head against a tree.

"Go ahead, matey. But I'm going to stay here. Say hi to Hoggle for me."

"I hate you, Vyvyan."

"Likewise."

Rick gave and exasperated sigh and made his way down the hill.

"Going down the hill, to enter the LABYRINTH. Yes. Only weal MEN, like myself, would be able to get through this maze," he said rather exaggeratingly.

"Who knows what there will be in the centre? Gold? Horny birds? An entire series of _Doctor Who__?"_

"There's no use to try and get me to come with the, ya big poof. I've made my decision!" Vyvyan shouted back to Rick whilst banging his head against the tree.

"And what decision is that? Giving yourself brain damage?"

"Yes. And nothing you say will ever change it"

"FINE! Don't come with me!" Rick walked forward for a few seconds until he saw Jennifer Connelly talking to Hoggle. This gave him an idea.

"Hey, look! It's Jennifer Connelly! And she's looking pretty HOT!" he shouted to Vyvyan.

Vyvyan had seemed to hear this. He stopped banging his head against the tree, which now had a permanent dent where his forehead had been. In almost no time at all, he had reached Rick.

"Well what are you waiting for? Let's go, girlie."

Rick grinned, and off towards Jennifer they went.


	3. Chapter 3

Our favourite duo reached the walls of the Labyrinth, and found Jennifer talking to Hoggle. Rick, being the complete douche bag that he always is, immediately went up to the actress.

"So, ah, Jennifer… Do you like the Labyrinth, it's pretty cool, isn't it?" Rick said, in a desperate attempt to get laid. She eyed Rick and Vyvyan suspiciously.

"Uh, sorry. I have to finish this scene." Jennifer said. Not hoping to wake up the next morning to a spotty college student with bad breath.

Jennifer left them and started to talk to the little goblin.

"You're horrible!"

"No, I aint. I'm Mike."

Rick, having seen this movie hundreds of times (almost all of those times with tissues) knew there was something wrong with this quote. And come to think of it, Hoggle looked a bit strange too. Instead of the ugly, wrinkly, large-nosed goblin that Vyvyan had taunted him about before, he was replaced with a short, dark haired, dark eyed man that seemed to be familiar.

"MIKE!" he gasped.

"Yeah, what about him?" Asked Vyvyan.

"It's Mike! Hoggle is Mike!"

Hoggle (or Mike. I have no fucking idea what to call him now) turned at the sound of his name.

"Yes?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Oh. Nothing. Mike, I mean Hoggle… I mean Mike. Yes, that's it. Mike." Replied Rick.

Jennifer, tired of being interrupted, confronted Vyvyan and Rick

"OMFG! Fucking hell! You guys keep on stuffing up this scene! You bunch of losers! I HATE YOU ALL!"

She stormed away, stopping at a nearby tree to bang her head.

Vyvyan gave Rick a look as if to say _"What a whiny, little bitch."_

Mike heaved a heavy sigh. "I'm pretty sure she's on her period. She's been acting like this all day. Excuse me, this might take a while" He waddled towards Jennifer and tried to comfort her.

"OMG, they're such bastards! Anyway, I was talking to Tiana the other day, and she said I was fat, so I told her she was a rat and that Tommy only liked her because she was a slut. So then she said that, like, the only reason that David Bowie liked me was because he was a paedophile and then… and then…" Jennifer sobbed.

"Don't worry about Tiana. She's only jealous." Mike soothed her.

"Bu-bu-but… She was like to me 'you're so fat, you fat pig!'"

"Jennifer, you're not fat."

"Really?" She looked up at Mike with big, puppy eyes.

"Of course not. Don't worry about Tiana, she's a filthy little slut."

"Yeah! YEAH! SHE IS!" Jennifer was now filled with enthusiasm. She walked hastily towards the wall of the Labyrinth and picked up an axe that was conveniently placed next to the wall.

Jennifer, filled with her newfound energy, created a hole in the wall big enough to fit Pamela Anderson's boobs.

"C'mon, Michael! Let's kick Tiana's slutty arse!... Oh yeah. You two can come, too."

"Uh, Jennifer, we're not meant to beat up Tiana. We're trying to save Toby, remember?"

"Whatevs."

Rick and Vyvyan saw this as a perfect opportunity to get laid, so instantly, they followed Jennifer and Mike into the Labyrinth.

"Is she always like that?" Vyvyan asked Mike.

"Yes…" He replied rather glumly.

10 minutes had passed and the group had no success in finding a turn or a corner. Jennifer was getting pretty tired. Rick was trying without success to woo her.

"So, yeah. South African vampire comes into our house, and of course, I'm the one who has to try and stop it. But I had discovered its weakness, you see, it's handsomeness. So it instantly tried to wun away when it saw me. Isn't that wight, Vyvyan? Isn't it twue that I saved everyone?"

"Shut up, you poof. No one likes you. So be quiet or I'm going to kill you using only tweezers and a fork."

"Ha ha, he's terribly funny. The truth is, I'm very popular. Just the other day, Waquel Welch was trying to seduce me, but I was like 'but Waquel! I'm tired! I just had a threesome with Chwistina Hendwicks and Beyonce!'"

Jennifer looked at Rick. "How old are you?"

"Oh, uh… only 25."

"Ew. I'm 15, you pervert!"

"I mean… 16! I'm 16! Not 25! Definitely not! Pffft, where'd I get 25 from?"

Jennifer was not attracted to this at all. She became suddenly aware that they had been walking for 15 minutes and had not come across a single turn.

"OMFG! TIANA'S SUCH A BITCH! THIS IS ALL HER FAULT! I HATE HER! OMG!" She banged her self against a wall and lied down on the floor.

"Lookin' for a turn, eh?" Said a little worm on a wall that had been woken up from his slumber.

"Yes." Jennifer nodded, putting her puppy-dog eyes back on "And a way to kill Tiana."

"Well, as for Tiana, just blackmail her. That always works! For the turns, there's one right there!" He indicated towards a seemingly solid brick wall.

"Oh, wow! Thanks worm!" Jennifer cried. She stood up and walked up to the wall that the worm had indicated to. And… slammed her face against it.

"OOF. OMFG! WHAT A LYING BITCH!"

Vyvyan, who had remained suspiciously silent for the whole journey, due to an unhealthy mix of heavy alcohol use, hormones, and well… just being Vyvyan, became berserk and the little worm.

"WHAT THE HELL? YOU BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD!" He began stomping on the worm until it was just a purple, gooey, pulpy mess.

In the midst of this, Mike had been trying to find another entrance on the wall, and found one just to the right of the one Jennifer had slammed into.

"Hey, guys! Look here! I've found a turn!"

Everyone turned around to see Mike pointing towards the turn.

"Oh, uh… sorry matey" Vyvyan said to what was left of the worm.

And off the group went to wherever the turn might leave them. What will they encounter? Find out next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hulloh. This isn't a real chapter, no, just a little announcement._**

_First of all, is anyone reading this? (Yes, hopefully)_

_Apart from a severe case of writers block, the reason I haven't updated in over 2 weeks is because of a lack of reviews. Maybe my target audience is too small? Or is it because my story is too horrible to even flame about? Perhaps even both._

_A personal thank you to Kidnapkid, who gave me my first (and only) review. I read your story, and thoroughly enjoyed it. :)_

_So a question to all those out there. Do you think you could perhaps help me get uplifted again? (In the form of a review, of course.)_

_C'mon. All you have to do is press a couple of buttons. Heck, I won't even care if you say my story is even worse than the one I mentioned in the beginning of the first chapter. (Is my writing style really worse than the one of an illiterate horse? Is it really THAT bad?)_

_But this request begs the question, why am I even writing this when I think than no one will actually read it? ~ One of the great mysteries of the universe._

_Sincerely,_

_Your beloved author with an obsession with all things British,_

**Toasty Goodness**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Naww, shucks guys. To be honest, I wasn't really expecting any reviews after my little announcement. They made me smile inside my brain :) So... I suppose, in a kinda way, that this chapter is dedicated to you guys. I'm not really into it when authors dedicate chapters, but this is a special occasion (bring on the champagne!). It's a bit cheesy, which I didn't like; but hey, I made up for it by a bit (but not much) of the ol' ultra-violence.**

The turn led the group towards another turn, and another, and another, and another. It was starting to get dark and Jennifer was whining all the way about her infamous adversary, Tiana. Everyone was getting pretty sick of it.

"… And so I was like to Tiana 'There's no way you're going to do that. But then again, you _do_ Tommy.'" Jennifer laughed at her own lame joke.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE" Shouted Vyvyan "STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT TIANA! ALL I'VE BEEN HEARING FOR THIS GOD-FORSAKEN JOURNEY IS '_TIANA THIS'_ AND_ 'TIANA THAT'_ AND I'M SO BLOODY SICK OF IT!"

No one had ever talked to Jennifer like that, not even Tiana. She was utterly stunned. Jennifer just stood there, not knowing what to say. She remained silent for about 30 minutes as everyone continued with the journey, until she finally said:

"You totally want me, Vyvyan. Anyway, Tiana was all-"

"FUCK THIS. I'M LEAVING. I'M SO TIRED OF YOUR WHINING! RICK, MIKE, C'MON. WE'RE LEAVING JENNIFER." Vyvyan interrupted.

"B-b-b-but" Jennifer sobbed "I'm too gorgeous too be left alone!" Vyvyan tried not to be phased by this, but truthfully, he secretly agreed.

Vyvyan, Rick and Mike started to walk away, hearing Jennifer crying behind them.

"M-M-Mike! I thought we were friends!" She called out. Mike shrugged and kept on walking.

"We can be MORE than friends, if you want" She giggled. Mike hesitated, smiled and said, "Sorry, fellas. Gotta go."

He ran towards Jennifer, who stuck her tongue out at Vyvyan.

"Hey, Rick" She flirted, "You can come too."

Vyvyan gave him a glare. Rick walked a few steps towards Jennifer, but thought better of it, knowing all too well what Vyvyan would do to him, and walked back.

"Damn straight, you little poof." Vyvyan snorted.

Each duo walked separate ways. From the distance, you could still hear Jennifer bitching about Tiana.

"This way"

"No, I'm pretty sure it's this way"

It had gotten dark, but instead of making any progress, Rick and Vyvyan were bickering like an old couple.

"No. It's this way" Vyvyan pointed to a turn that was going left that had been lit by a few old, rusty lampposts.

"You've said that for the past hour, and we've only gone in circles. I've sworn that we've down this path about 23 times."

Vyvyan picked up a stray brick off the floor of the Labyrinth and used it to strike Rick's head.

"I said, we're going this way," he growled

Rick sighed. "Fine." Rubbing his head, hoping it wouldn't make a bruise in the morning.

There was an awkward silence between them for a while as they walked down the well lit lane for the 24th time. Rick suddenly came to the realisation that whilst on this trip, Vyvyan, apart from the occasional outburst, seemed to rather… _calm._ Too calm. _Way_ too calm.

"So, uh, Vyvyan… are you sick or something?"

"Nope."

"Too much alcoho—" (Rick would finish his sentence, but he realised, Vyvyan _always_ had too much alcohol)

"I mean, is there anything wrong?"

"As in what, poof?"

"Oh you know, stress and what-not"

"Nope, why?"

"Well… you seem a bit quiet. Especially since the sun went down a few hours ago."

Vyvyan cringed and sat down on the floor. He motioned for Rick to sit down next to him.

He sighed. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"Rightio" Rick lied. Whatever Vyvyan was about to say, he was sure to tell Mike about the gossip when they got back home.

"I-I-I… I'm afraid… of the dark…" Vyvyan said with all seriousness.

Rick was bewildered for a moment. Vyvyan Basterd? Violent punk? Afraid of the dark? _"Is this why he stays up all night drinking?" _He tried to hold it in, but Rick let out a silly, schoolgirl giggle.

The punk's seriousness turned to anger, as he pinned Rick onto his back.

"_Don't tell anyone." _He said in a gruff voice.

"Or what? You'll shower me with light bulbs?" Rick snorted.

Vyvyan leaned closer towards Rick's face, and whispered in his ear.

"_Or what? Or I'll tell everyone about the pair of black stilettos you keep under your bed. Then I'll peel all your skin off and put you in a bath full of vinegar."_

The grin that had been wiped off the face of the self-entitled anarchist, now replaced with an expression that you would find in the dictionary under the word 'terror'.

Vyvyan laughed at Rick's face. "C'mon, you little virgin. Let's go." He stood up and walked down the well-lit track.

It took Rick a few seconds before he stood up and followed Vyvyan; as he was walking, he made a mental note to hide his stilettos in a safer spot.


	6. Chapter 6

Dawn had now broke; and with Vyvyan's fear of the dark now gone, they were finally making some progress. Unfortunately for Rick, Vyvyan was back to his normal self.

"I really can't believe you were wanking towards Hoggle!" He laughed.

"Labyrinth! Of all of the movies you could've watched! _Supervixens, Girls in Prison,_ _Women in Cages_… heck, even _Horrors of Spider Island_… but the _Labyrinth_? What on earth were you thinking? You little pervy" Vyvyan taunted.

"Shut up! Don't call me a perve, Vyvyan! I'm not the one who looks through people's rooms!"

They turned around a corner, to a large open space with a large oak tree in the middle.

"I could stop, but then how would I get to know all your hidden secrets?"

"And why would you want to do that? I suppose it's because you're in love with me, isn't it? Hmm? Who's the little poof now? Vyvyan the poof! Haha!" Rick chuckled.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that, I mean," he quickly corrected.

Vyvyan gave him the evil eye, and went all Casey Heynes on dat muthafucka's ass. (Did anyone else hear about that? Or was it just something that was popular in Australia?)

Once Rick was on the ground, Vyvyan kicked him repeatedly in the ribs.

"Aw, guys, this is getting pretty heavy…" said a familiar melancholic voice. Rick and Vyvyan stopped their fight to look around, and saw Neil hanging upside-down on a tree, appearing to be wearing a large, red, furry costume.

"_Neil?"_ the duo exclaimed in unison.

"What are you doing here, smelly hippy?" Rick asked.

"Uh. No… not Neil. Ludo. My name's Ludo. And well, my friend and I were just sitting here, right, and then the pigs came. So my friend ran away, right, then the pigs came and tied me to this branch." Ludo indicated the thick branch attached to his foot by a piece of rope.

"So, uh, considering you two are here and I've been hanging here for about 2 days now… could you help me get down please?"

Rick and Vyvyan looked at each other and paused, before laughing into hysterics.

"AHAHAHA! US, HELP YOU? BAHAHA!" Vyvyan taunted.

"No way, ho-zay!" Rick giggled.

"Aw…" Neil sighed.

Once again, in all his holiness, Ziggy Stardust appeared to them, glitter and all.

"Uh no. I'm afraid that you'll have to help him." He said in all seriousness.

"B-but why?" Rick exclaimed. "He's a fucking hippy-monster hybrid! You should never go on adventures with hippy-monster hybrids! Isn't that right kids?" Rick said to a non-existent audience.

"Maybe so, but the author, and myself, agree that this story is getting boring with just you two."

Vyvyan looked crushed. He had put his best effort into those violence scenes!

"Why do we have to listen to you anyway? We can do this story by ourselves! C'mon Rick, let's leave this place!"

Vyvyan and Rick made an attempt to run towards a turn that led towards yet another laneway, but Ziggy clicked his fingers. He cringed, "I didn't want to have to do this…" he said, putting earplugs into his ears.

Lionel Richie, clad in a full denim outfit, appeared from the turn. Suddenly, horrible, catchy 80's music filled their ears, and Lionel started to sing.

"_I've been alone with you inside my mind…"_

Rick groaned. Surely there could've been some type of a more merciful punishment!

"_... And I my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times…"_

Vyvyan broke down on the ground and curled up into a ball, he started rocking back and forth. Rick could've sworn he'd seen some tears.

"_I sometimes see you pass outside my door… Hello, is it me you're looking for?"_

Rick pressed his hands onto his ears. "OKAY! OKAY! WE'LL TAKE LUDO! WE'LL TAKE HIM! JUST MAKE THIS STOP! MAKE IT STOP!"

Due to the earplugs, Ziggy couldn't hear their whining. But he watched Rick and Vyvyan as they frantically tried to get Ludo down from the branch. Ludo dropped heavily with a thud that even Ziggy could hear through his earplugs. The three characters dodged Lionel, who was still singing, and ran away.

Ziggy took out his earplugs. "Okay, Richie, you can stop now."

"… _I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your smile…"_

"Lionel. Stop. Seriously. My ears are beginning to bleed."

"_You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide…"_

Ziggy clicked his fingers, trying to get Lionel Richie to stop, but to no prevail. He just kept on singing!

"_Ohnoes. What have I done?"_ Ziggy started to look stressed and kept glancing around, hoping no one was watching. He knew what his fans were like; they'd take a picture of this and post it on Twitter. Those little scamps.

"'_Cause you know just what to say_…" Lionel continued. The power of his moustache was so awesomely strong, not even Ziggy could conquer it. Defeated, Ziggy clicked his fingers and disappeared. Leaving Lionel Richie to bring terror to all the land.

"… _And you know just what to do. And I want to tell you so much, I love you…"_

**_AN: Moral of today's chapter: Every time you listen to "Hello", God kills an orphan. Happy Earth Hour everybody!_**


End file.
